The feeling of being wrong, of seeing differences, of wanting to escape. People meet and the feeling is there, unknowable as to how it arose. There is the sense of I want what I can't have, and I don't want to want what I can't have. Double bind. Beautiful reason to let go of it all, accept the loss of future happiness. How easily the fear dissolves and forms again. It comes and goes in a clear light and is made out of nothing. There is no celebration or dullness. Red flowers, blue pools of water, green hills, pink flesh, white light and black space. A cross, a breast, a nipple, lips. Contracting, retreat, facing, loving, making love.

I am stricken with this realization. There is only this moment. What could this mean? Realization occurs in time and this moment is timeless. So much so that it has no material existence. Other than everything that is, was and ever will be.

without the underlying space each contact, physically, would be self- referential and therefore, not "felt". such as attention can include a wider focus, the individual friction phenomena can be "seen" as part of the greater whole. when seen through attention, this whole is found to be edgeless. this can not be understood because the mind requires boundaries around something in order to focus on it. therefore the mind exists in awareness and can think about itself and in doing so must begin to put limitations on its own existence. this only occurs when attention "uses" thinking to focus(think) on itself.

I fell in love with means there was a movement, amidst continual movement. This is stillness. Time to move again. There is only this. Time to move again. Speak from true understanding or suffer continually the misconceived solidity of perception. I am sorry. I kept you all with me too long. You are beautiful and I want it. I am afraid to lose or be left out, stuck with emptiness and pain so I hang on continually. I am sorry. It hurts. I forgive this pain, yet it continues. I tried to let you be so that the pain would stop and reveal a greater beauty, but I still hang on. Funny little hanger. I love me.

walked over there, worked over there, looked at that, moved in my sleep. wanted this, that. felt deserving, felt small. need more time, want to get out. know it is good, feel satisfied, feel wrong, feel against. move from one to the next. aware of the others, moving. aware of when it makes sense, aware of pain, aware of fear, aware of breaking, aware of not knowing why, aware of not being a man, aware of cowering, aware of making mistakes, aware of lusting, all the time, aware of laughing, aware of pretending to laugh, aware of wanting to be wanted, aware of hiding from being wanted, not wanting, being aroused and not wanting it, judgment. bad habits, mental negativity, not liking what is, wanting to change to the better, knowing it will change, and fearing something i can not see, knowing i can't prove that i am wrong and then being proven wrong. thank you pain, thank you hate, thank you lust for what is always mocking me, i will not cut myself again.