walked over there, worked over there, looked at that, moved in my sleep. wanted this, that. felt deserving, felt small. need more time, want to get out. know it is good, feel satisfied, feel wrong, feel against. move from one to the next. aware of the others, moving. aware of when it makes sense, aware of pain, aware of fear, aware of breaking, aware of not knowing why, aware of not being a man, aware of cowering, aware of making mistakes, aware of lusting, all the time, aware of laughing, aware of pretending to laugh, aware of wanting to be wanted, aware of hiding from being wanted, not wanting, being aroused and not wanting it, judgment. bad habits, mental negativity, not liking what is, wanting to change to the better, knowing it will change, and fearing something i can not see, knowing i can't prove that i am wrong and then being proven wrong. thank you pain, thank you hate, thank you lust for what is always mocking me, i will not cut myself again.